The Little Things That Determine The Success Of A Marriage

Successful marriages don't just happen, they are built by deliberate actions.

In marriage, as in any other endeavor, we cannot afford to underestimate the importance of “little things” to overall success.

Because they are simple, the “little things” can be easily overlooked amidst the clamor of more pressing concerns.

Many marriages get into trouble because spouses ignore the little details, the day-by-day thoughtfulness that strengthens their relationship as well as the “little foxes” of neglect, discontent, and unresolved issues that eat away at the “vineyard” of their happiness.

Though this thread seems to focus on married people, those who are still single and 
intending couples will also find it helpful.

The content of this write up is an excerpt from Dr. Myles's Munroe's book on marriage. Dr Munroe discussed this issue in such a simple way that I had to lift it with little or no alteration to the original words used by him.

It is a bit lengthy but take your time to read it. Issues like this cannot just be summarized. They need to be dealt with thoroughly to drive the point home. If you already know some of these things, there is no harm in going over it one more time. 

Let's begin...

1. Rebuke but Don’t Criticize

One of the most dangerous of the “little foxes” that must not be left to run loose in the marital “vineyard” is criticism. Nothing shuts down communication and disrupts the harmony of a relationship faster than harsh, sniping, negative comments. No one profits from criticism—neither the critic nor the person being criticized, or anyone else who may be within earshot. Constant criticism destroys a person’s spirit. It breeds hurt, resentment, defensiveness, and even hatred. Criticism discourages openness and honesty, without which no relationship can remain healthy. By its very nature criticism is destructive because it focuses on finding fault with the intention of hurting rather than of finding a solution. People who are critical all the time usually have unmet needs or unresolved issues in their own lives, and these problems reveal themselves in the form of a critical spirit.

Every relationship at times faces interpersonal conflicts that must be dealt with for the good of everyone involved. Part of effective communication is establishing an environment in which problems can be resolved in a healthy manner. Hurtful criticism is never the answer. Rather, in such situations a rebuke may be in order.

Criticism and rebuke are not the same thing. A rebuke differs from criticism in at least two important ways: the spirit from which it comes and the purpose for which it is given. Criticism arises from a wounded and self-centered spirit that seeks to wound in return. It is not interested in either the welfare of the person being criticized or in finding a constructive solution to the problem. A rebuke, on the other hand, comes from a loving and compassionate spirit that not only recognizes a problem but also seeks a fair and equitable solution with a heartfelt desire for the good of the other person.

In short, a rebuke is motivated by love, whereas criticism is not. A rebuke focuses on the solution while criticism harps on the problem. A rebuke seeks to correct while criticism only complains.

Watch out for the “little fox” of criticism that can nibble away at your relationship. Develop the discipline of thinking before speaking. Whenever a problem arises or a conflict flares up and you feel the urge to criticize, ask yourself if it is a legitimate problem for which rebuke and correction are in order, or only a personal gripe. Check your motivation: Are you acting out of love or out of anger?

Being willing and able to give correction is one side; being willing to receive correction is the other. Openness to correction is one of the most important elements of growth. People who are unwilling to receive correction will never grow. They will always be immature.

2. Don’t Get Too Familiar

Another “little fox” to watch out for is the “fox” of familiarity. One of the greatest dangers to a marriage is for the husband and wife to become too familiar with each other. This is not the same as knowing each other.

Spouses should know each other better and more intimately than they know anyone else in the world. A husband and wife should be each other’s best friend.

By familiarity I mean a comfortable complacency that causes a husband and wife to start taking each other for granted.

Familiarity reveals itself in at least three ways. First, it breeds ignorance. Couples feel so familiar with each other that they begin to ignore each other in lots of little ways that they may not even be aware of. 

Second, familiarity breeds assumptions. A husband and wife begin to assume that each knows what the other is thinking. The husband assumes not only that his wife knows what he is thinking but also that he knows what she is thinking. The wife makes the same assumptions. 

Third, familiarity breeds presumption. A wife will make a presumption regarding what her husband will say or do without even asking him first. A husband will make the same mistake with regard to his wife. If these three continue long enough the end result will be that as expressed in the old proverb, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

Here’s a practical example of how this happens. Before marriage, when a couple is courting, they constantly tell each other how they feel. They don’t assume anything. They pay attention to every little detail, every nuance of voice, every gesture and facial expression. They never presume to second-guess each other. They talk sweet things to each other on the phone for three hours and, meeting in person an hour later, spend two more hours saying more of the same. They compliment each other, give each other gifts, and spend every available moment together.

This constant attention to each other is good and necessary to building a strong relationship because it produces in each person a deep sense of security. They feel secure in each other’s love and affection so that even when they are apart they still bask in the warmth of the knowledge that someone loves and cares about them. The more often we are told that we are loved, the more secure we feel.

For some reason, things begin to change after a couple gets married. It usually does not happen right away. Gradually the husband and wife start to assume things about each other. The husband stops saying to his wife, “I love you,” as often as he once did. He assumes, “She knows I love her. I don’t need to tell her all the time.” This may not even be a conscious thought. They stop going out to dinner or on other dates. They stop giving “just because I love you” gifts or cards or flowers to each other. They have become comfortable together, and this comfort breeds a familiarity that can cause them to slowly drift apart without even realizing it.

When a married couple becomes too familiar with each other, a lot of the adventurous spontaneity goes out of their marriage. Marriage should be stable and strong so that both partners feel secure, but within that environment there should always be room for adventure. One excellent way to keep a marriage alive and vital and exciting is for the husband and wife both to be spontaneous at times—to do something unexpected. It may be something big, like a weekend away just the two of them, or something small and simple, like a candlelight dinner or a bouquet of flowers “just because.” The key is to avoid familiarity and predictability by never taking each other for granted. Among other things, this means developing the practice of regularly expressing appreciation for each other.

3. Express Honest Appreciation

Learning to appreciate people is one of the most effective ways to create an environment for open communication, as well as one of the most important nutrients for building healthy relationships. Appreciation involves being aware of what others do for us, letting them know that we recognize it, and thanking them for it. It also means praising someone for his or her accomplishments with sincere happiness at his or her success. It is very easy to be critical or to become jealous over another’s achievements or attention. Most of us have to work at being appreciative because it goes against our selfish human nature.

One important thing that expressing honest appreciation does for us is

to keep us mindful of our dependence upon each other. None of us ever achieves success or happiness by ourselves. There are people all along our path of life who help us on our way, and often it is easy to ignore or overlook their contribution. Nowhere is this truer than in marriage. Humanly speaking, a husband’s greatest asset for success and happiness is his wife, and a wife’s, her husband. They should be each other’s greatest supporter, promoter, and encourager. No matter what happens in other circles, a couple’s home should always be a place where they can find consistent love, appreciation, and affirmation.

Spouses who maintain a regular practice of expressing their love and appreciation to each other, even during good times when it is easy to take these things for granted, will discover that this deep sense of security will sustain them through bad times as well. Knowing that we are loved and appreciated by someone helps put in perspective the rest of life with all of its ups and downs. 

Expressing honest appreciation regularly is so important to marital health that we cannot afford to leave it strictly to our emotions. Sometimes we don’t feel like being appreciative. We may be tired or sick or angry or preoccupied. We must develop the habit of doing it anyway, based not on emotions but on knowledge. Emotions might say, “I don’t feel like it,” or “Don’t bother me right now,” whereas knowledge would say, “He needs to be affirmed right now,” or “She needs me to reassure her that everything is all right.”

Men generally have more of a problem with this than women do. For some reason, a lot of men have the idea that expressing their feelings openly and frequently to their wives is somehow unmasculine and a sign of weakness.

On the contrary, there is nothing unmanly about a husband saying often to his wife, “Honey, I love you.” A man who does this is displaying strength, not weakness. It takes more strength for a man to make himself vulnerable and expose his tender side than it does to put up a false “macho” façade that says, “I’m tough; I don’t need to say that kind of stuff.”

That’s not acting tough; that’s acting silly because not even God takes that stance with us, and He is a lot bigger and a lot smarter than we are.

Every day in many ways God tells us and shows us that He loves us. He does not leave it to chance. He knows we need to be reassured of it all the time. 

Husbands and wives need to get into the habit of expressing their love and appreciation for each other on a daily basis. Living under the same roof and sharing the same bed are no proof of love. Just ask any of the thousands of affection-starved men and women who endure unhappy marriages day after day.

Love is fed by love, not time. We need to get so used to expressing love and appreciation for each other that we feel uncomfortable whenever we don’t do it.

Honest love and appreciation are the lifeblood of a happy marriage. Don’t take them for granted.

Any happily married couple will be quick to agree that their happiness is due in large part to simple daily thoughtfulness—little attentions that they pay to each other on an ongoing basis. These can take many forms. Compliments are always in order, whether referring to a well-cooked meal, a promotion at work, a fetching new hairstyle, a completed painting or poem, or whatever it might be. Honest gratitude sincerely expressed is always a winner.

What reasonable person could reject a heartfelt “thank you”? Unfortunately, because it is so easy for married couples to slip into the rut of taking each other for granted, compliments and thank-you‘s are often in short supply and overlooked in many households. Paying little attentions will help keep romance and the spirit of courtship alive in your relationship, even after many years of marriage.

4. Don’t Ever Assume Love

Love needs to be expressed regularly and often; it should never be assumed. Husband, never assume that your wife knows that you love her; tell her! Even if you told her yesterday, tell her again, today. She needs to hear it every day. Wife, don’t assume that your husband knows that you love him; tell him! Even though he may never come right out and say it, he needs that reassurance from you. No matter how tough and strong he may appear on the outside, he still needs you to tell him that you love him. We humans have a built-in need to be affirmed in this on a daily basis. Where love is concerned, there is no room for assumption.

We should never assume that our spouses know that we love them. Love may indeed “spring eternal,” but our expression of it needs to be refreshed every day. We need to say it to our loved ones, and we need to hear them say it to us. Once, or even once in a while, is not enough. 

Here is an example.

Suppose a husband bought his wife a nice new car as an expression of his love for her. She is so excited and overjoyed with it, and he is pleased to be able to provide it. A few days later she asks, “Honey, do you love me?” A little surprised at her question, he answers, “I bought you that car, didn’t I?” 

Several months later she asks again, “Honey, do you love me?” Again he replies, “I bought you that car, didn’t I?” A year goes by, then another, and another, and it is always the same thing. Finally, 15 years later, the wife asks, “Honey, do you love me?” “I bought you that car, didn’t I?”

Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Yet, this is not too far from the truth with many marriages. Some people go weeks, months, and even years with no tangible expression of love from their spouses, either verbal or otherwise. In our minds, yesterday’s act of love does not necessarily carry over to today. We all need daily reassurance.

Although verbal expression accounts for only 7 percent of what we communicate when we interact with one another, it is still one of the most important elements for feeding and nurturing love, especially for women.

Men thrive on what they see, women thrive on what they hear, and both thrive on what they feel. Words reinforce actions, and women need to hear words of love, affection, and appreciation from their husbands.

Most men don’t spend enough time simply talking to their wives. 

Dr. Munroe writes: Over the years I have counseled hundreds of couples who were on the verge of divorce over this very issue. I could not begin to count the number of times I have had a conversation with the husband that runs something like this:

“Do you talk to your wife?”

“Well, she knows I love her. I don’t have to talk to her and tell her that. After all, I buy her rings and other nice things.”

“I didn’t ask you what you bought her. Do you talk to her?”

“She knows I love her.”

“You’re making an assumption.”

“Look, I buy food for her and the kids, and…”

“I didn’t ask you that. Do you talk to her?”

“Well, I bought her flowers on Mother’s Day. I’m sure she knows I love her because of that.”

“You’re assuming again, and you’re also presuming that your gifts equal your love, but that’s not true.”

Giving things is no proof of our love. We must give ourselves first. Then we must verbalize our love. We must make our words match our actions. If we do not communicate our love verbally, we can end up confusing the difference between the thing and the person. We must learn to appreciate each other, communicate with each other, and talk to each other. Talking is the strongest way to attach meaning to our actions. We must be careful never to assume anything in our relationships, especially love.

5. Always Show Courtesy

Above all, always be courteous. Everyone deserves to be shown basic human kindness and dignity because we are all created in the image of God. Spouses should extend more courtesy to each other than they do to anyone else, yet courtesy often is one of the first things to fall into neglect in a marriage once a couple has become “familiar” with each other.

Courtesy works both ways. Wives should be just as courteous toward their husbands as they desire and expect their husbands to be toward them.

Husband, Always treat her as if you were still courting her. After all, why would the things that won her heart in the first place not still be appropriate to keep her heart? In every situation, both public and private, show her the utmost respect. She deserves nothing less, and you will lift her in esteem before the world, making it clear to everyone that she is more important to you than anyone else.

Wives, don’t be too proud or too “liberated” to allow your husband to extend such simple courtesies to you. Otherwise you will destroy his ability and opportunity to bless you. God created the male to find his fulfillment in blessing and giving of himself to the female. Don’t deny him the chance to fulfill himself by fulfilling you.

Always be courteous toward your husband, respecting him in speech and in action, especially in public. This is not a demeaning deference as a servant to a master, but the esteem of one equal partner toward the other. Men especially need to be esteemed in the eyes of their colleagues and peers, and no one can do that better than their wives. Take advantage of every opportunity to support him and lift him up and encourage him.

Whenever a husband and wife are together in public, there should never be any doubt in anyone’s mind that the two of them share a relationship characterized by mutual love, esteem, and respect.

These little things are the building blocks for the big things.

You can read this piece many times and even attend marriage seminars but it will still make no difference if you don't deliberately begin to practice these things. As earlier stated, successful (marriage) relationships don't just happen, they are built.

Wishing you all the best in your relationships.

Excerpts were taken from:

The purpose and power of love and marriage by Dr Myles Munroe.